Chapter 1

There seem to be two sides to the nature of helping. On the one hand it seems to be a natural part of all humans but on the other hand it is anything but natural.

If we have two polarities of caring, what distinguishes the direction one will take when the opportunity to care presents itself? The question is answered by exploring what it is that happens when one is caring as the natural, reflexive, innate way of being. What comes is the idea of unity, oneness, belongingness. It is the experience of one’s essential nature and the reminder of who we really are and what we really are that occurs during the process of helping. Trust is identified as an essential element if caring is to be a natural part of life.

There are times when caring does not happen at all, or if it does, it is not at all natural! Often feelings of self-consciousness, half-heartedness and insincerity accompany the caring act. There is a tug-of-war going on inside. The desire to help may be present, but how much to do or give, how much not to do or give, how much to keep and save become issues that cloud the scene. There seems to be a play between the mind and the heart of the individual that creates a state of resistance concerning caring.

Many motives are identified when it comes to caring. Many things influence the way and manner in which one cares or whether one cares at all on a given occasion. In the American society there is brought to our attention such need all around us that many times one has to withdraw in order to just survive the intensity of it all.

For some, caring is the responsibility of the formal community. After all one’s contributions have been made, and taxes have been paid. And since the needy person is not a member of the immediate family, it is someone else’s responsibility to do the caring. Even within one’s family it is often not clear who is to be cared for and to whom what is owed.

It seems that the reason for bewilderment around the act of caring arises in part because the ones needing caring are distant and distinct from the ones to do the caring. It is very difficult to look into the eyes of the needy and see them as one of us. The plight of these "others" requires one to look into their own eyes and encounter one’s own fears and pain, one’s own sense of self and

self- worth and for many this process is too painful.

The book, How Can I Help is a tool to aid one to face the necessary questions surrounding the act of caring. Once the questions, fears, and resistances have been identified and confronted, the strength to overcome the power they have over one can be activated. In fact one can see that the so called obstacles are actually opportunities to activate the caring nature that is a part of everyone. This is not a task to be accomplished in a day. There will be gains and regressions, but every step is a step along the way, none is ever lost.

One theme is repeated numerous times: why helping is sometimes difficult and centers around the delusion of separateness. This delusion gets lodged in the models we portray to the world; models such as mother, daughter, sister, doctor, helper and so on. These roles tend to keep one from experiencing the unity one shares with all mankind and it is in the moments that one breaks away from the bond to models and roles that one is able to experience the connection to others.

This feeling of separateness first occurs in infancy when one begins to experience self as separate from the mother. The ego begins to take form and shape and so assumes various roles through which one experiences life and further defines the self. It is the experience of separateness that actually aids one in the ability to know the needs of another and the appropriate way to offer support. However, it is this sense of separateness that limits how one is able to care for another.

Often the reason for not reaching out in a helping manner to another is the personal feeling of powerlessness and vulnerability which is defended by self-protectiveness. One may fear that reaching out to someone in pain may result in demands that are remindful of one’s own vulnerability, and so there is reluctance to help at all. Or the fear may be one’s sense of inadequacy, and if these inadequacies can be overcome, often helping is an attempt to meet one’s own needs for intimacy, audience and power.

Until one is able to see self as whole and complete rather than as many separate selves there is pressure exerted on others to respond to such roles. For example when one is in a therapist role, there is pressure and expectation that another become the patient. It is when one is able to set the roles aside and be content to just be that one can truly help another.

How then can one merely be? It is suggested that by identifying the part of self that remains steady and stable behind all of the roles might be a place to begin. What one will find is a state of awareness that is able to incorporate all of one’s roles and at the same time remain restful underneath them all. The ability to loosen the hold of each identity keeps one light and loose, then one can simply be! Then one is able to integrate each role at just the right moment, moving from one to the other, flowing like fluid in a way that is authentically helping.

Sometimes the only way to break the attachment to our separateness is to hit rock bottom. After trying all and failing, simply giving up to the heart and intuitive wisdom will show another way to be. What is being offered to another in this state is truly helpful because it originates from a sense of unity. Self is transformed and there is a connection to a deeper sense of identity.

Another way to move beyond the separate self is found in profound spiritual and religious experiences. In such experiences one is able to sense more than the obvious and actually to touch this moreness and to realize that this is all there is. It is all, it is the essence of all that is.

Out of this state of unity or oneness, the self or ego finds satisfaction and peace in being a servant of the higher self. The higher self can now guide the helping and caring actions and the quality of service changes. The helping is not because one needs to tend the other but because there is only one of us, each helping and each being helped.

When the suffering of another person is observed, it is an automatic impulse to reach out and help, however, certain reactions are set off within the observer which need to be explored if helping and healing are to be effective.

On the one hand one is attracted to human suffering and on the other hand one has an aversion to suffering. At times one can almost be obsessed with observing suffering and yet one desperately need to be able to control it. When one is touched by the suffering of those close one instinctively wants to reach out, to comfort, to help, but when one fears that one will be touched deeply one hesitates to get too involved. It is necessary for one to make choices regarding the amount of suffering one can confront and one will confront it. These choices involve a struggle between the head and the heart of the individual. The head reacts to the heart’s generosity through fear and the perceived need to control. The normal response to these fears is to help at a safe distance; perhaps by volunteering a bit of our time to a needy cause, or making a monetary contribution to a charity, all of which one can perfectly control. However, there is something deeper than this that gripes one and suffering finds its way to one.

There are a number of specific ways that the mind reacts to suffering and tries to control the generosity of the heart:

• 1. Denial is exemplified by walking down the street past homeless, needy people who are obviously in pain and not paying any attention at all.

• 2. Abstraction is seen when suffering is reduced to a spiritual or philosophical perspective such as karma, grace, and divine order.

• 3. Pity is the feeling of being moved a little bit in order to respond to someone’s suffering with the goal of getting on with our own business as soon as possible.

• 4. Professional warmth is a strategy to keep distance from the sufferer. It is a fake relationship that allows one to survive the confrontation of intense suffering on a daily basis.

• 5. Compulsive hyperactivity is the continual need to do something to fix it or to get rid of someone else’s pain because it hurts too much to share it.

How then can one stay open to suffering? The beginning answer to this question is to be aware of how one reacts to pain; at this point, service can begin. This acknowledgement softens one so that one has no need to spend one’s energies protecting oneself. A silent observing, listening part of oneself can observe the truth and provide guidance that is needed for one to truly be able to help.

In the journey to help others who are suffering it is necessary for one to become aware of one’s own past experiences with suffering. When faced with unpleasant circumstances or experiences, it is the perception one holds in mind that determines the extent to which one suffers. Extreme pain need not be associated with extreme suffering. It is the resistance to pain that accentuates suffering. When one is able to make room for the pain and allow it to come in without resistance, suffering begins to melt away. In fact, there is relief and release. This willingness to explore the parameters and dimensions of one’s own pain helps one to cease projecting one’s pain onto others and acknowledge the suffering that actually does exist. It allows one to be with another in their pain, to truly share and experience healing, one with another.

The state of mind that one holds has a lot to do with their ability to help another person. The mind functions on a continuum that moves from scattered, confused, depressed and agitated to clear, alert and receptive or at some point between one extreme or the other. Mind is a powerful tool and has accomplished great feats over the ages. In addition to thinking, reasoning, and remembering the mind has awareness, and intuitive ability. It is awareness that accesses a very deep power within that can help and heal.

The ability to look beyond the agitation of mind leads to the experience of something more; something peaceful, more alert and intuitive. This can be accomplished through the process of meditation and leads to greater ability to be helpful to others. However, the process of learning how to quiet the mind and connect with something greater than self if not always an easy process. The mind is full of clutter and chatter that never seems to stop. It is helpful to remember that the mind is more that all of the clutter and chatter and as one stops to calm the self through meditation it is necessary to let the clutter and chatter go by like leaves floating down the river or clouds floating through the sky. One does not follow each thought, rather lets them go by without giving attention to them.

It is through the experience of meditation that one can achieve the clarity of a quiet mind. Then when in a situation where another needs help, such clarity can direct and lead the process of helping. We are able to find the answers to questions without having to figure it all out. Somehow we just know with every part of our being what is right in the moment. This is intuition, and it is necessary to honor and trust it and to act on it without question. Then one can truly help another.

Helping that comes natural is the best kind of helping. When helping gets defined it gets complicated with all kind of baggage. Defined and purposeful helping has been conditioned in one since birth and it is not without personal motives. The motives that lie beneath much of one’s helping is to meet one’s own needs for rewards, self-esteem, praise, atonement, power, companionship and intimacy just to name a few.

The more expert one is at helping the more the one being helped remains helpless. It also forces the helper to see people impersonally and in categories. Life looses something in this process that diminishes the helper. Often helpers get so caught up in their special abilities that the helping act becomes lost by the wayside.

Ours is a society that resists helplessness. Yet many times one resigns oneself to the experience because options to overcome it seem nonexistent.

Some societies experience helplessness as such a common experience that it must be faced. Facing helplessness can have positive effects because out of it can come forth courage, perseverance, and patience.

When one is faced with a personal helplessness it presents a great shock and crisis. Since one is not comfortable acknowledging and exploring one’s vulnerability one begins to explore how to use one’s helplessness to gain power. Somehow one knows just how to push the buttons to get what one wants. Then because others must fill the role of helpers one is further encouraged to remain helpless. Seeing no way out one enters the prison of the helpless and the helpers.

Becoming aware that one is entrapped in a helping role is the beginning of the way to freedom. This awareness allows one to make the most of their opportunities. Remembering who one is beneath the roles one play is all that is required to be what it is one already is. It is then that the act of helping removes the walls that were created by the helping role. When helping is at its best the helper is transformed by the one who is being helped. Somehow the helper becomes a bit helpless and the helpless becomes a bit of a helper. The moment one ceases resisting the helpless part of themselves they cease to be lost in it. Helping becomes a collaborative process where one truly has something valuable to offer.

Another way to describe the phenonoma that occurs is that there becomes no helper and helped, only the helping exists. The starting place is the awareness of the helping prison. Then the experience has the potential for becoming a liberating opportunity.

Social action is a potential forum for the helping act. Meeting the challenge called upon by social action is critical if social action is to bring about change.

Many times social involvement is raised by manipulating individuals through fear, guilt and anger. By separating oneself into me and them, and sending the message of superiority and expertness, others are should and ought into action.

Sometimes feelings engendered by such tactics mobilize one into action, yet lest they become addictive and toxic one needs to quickly raise one’s consciousness. The focus of effective social action is on trust, honesty and mutual respect. Finding common ground and the sharing of personal stories is essential for strong solidarity. Effective social action calls for listening to what is on the heart of all involved as it is the heart from which the energy is derived to drive this kind of change.

Those involved in social change must be centered in compassion, harmony and peace, yet be able to confront oppression, hatred and fear. By being so centered one does not allow self to get sucked into reactionary responses and thereby gains the resultant ability to address real issues. Conflict becomes an opportunity to grow and change as it is worked with rather than resisted.

To engage social change effectively one must remember who one really is, and that is, all are one, oppressor and oppressed, victor and vanquished, free and enslaved. The recognition of this oneness must be deep and profound and able to stay alive when the work of social action gets tough. When one becomes accomplished in this awareness it becomes automatic as breathing and central in all interactions with others.