Grace How’s it going with your counseling session with April?

Bonnie It was great to talk with April. I feel a lot of energy as a result of our talk.

Grace So you’re feeling positive about your session.

Bonnie Absolutely! I feel like I was listened to and validated with respect to my feelings. I had had a pretty challenging day with a lot of residual feelings hanging on like a lead weight. It was great to talk about the situation and the feelings, especially when they were in the acute stage.

Grace So you felt somewhat relieved to get some of your feelings validated.

Bonnie Yes, I do feel relieved and today I find that I have a somewhat different perspective toward the situation. I do not feel as negated and useless as I did yesterday, especially when I am involved in the same type of situations. It’s like I am able to start today anew without the carry over from yesterday.

Grace So today you are feeling lighter and more positive about your situation than before your session.

Bonnie Yes indeed. I felt that April was more therapeutic from the perspective of listening reflectively. I found myself talking about how I felt, but I also realized I was guarded, as usual, about allowing myself to actually "feel" the emotion. It is difficult for me to feel safe enough with another person to actually emote. I can and do emote, but it is usually when I am alone. I have difficulty being able to share my deep feelings with others except from an intellectual perspective. What I would like to be is a bit more uninhibited and more authentic as a person, especially with April and others whom I love and care deeply for.

Grace So you feel fearful about allowing yourself to loose control other when you are alone.

Bonnie I never really considered it "fear" but maybe that is what I feel. I remember when I was a child, I really did fear speaking out in my family, yet I clearly remember times that I did. I told my father that I hated him, actually I told my mother and she told him. I was really afraid of my father and my grandfather when I was young. They were both so strict. Yet I remember if I felt strongly enough, I would speak out and hold to it for all I was worth. What I felt during those experiences and at that time in my life was resentment, anger and hostility for always having to earn my place in the family and to earn recognition and love. I worked so hard and ceaselessly as the message was clear, the way to receive recognition, acceptance and love in my family was to earn it. Since everyone was perfectionistic, I had to work endlessly to accomplish my goal. So when I am in situations like the one above, I really feel pissed, angry, and hostile because I feel negated to the core of my being. My brain knows that I am OK just for being me, just the way I am, just for being, but when that is not validated by others, I hurt so deeply in my heart, that I throw layers after layers of resentment, anger, and hostility over top of it, that I don’t even realize I hurt at all. That’s the real shame of it all!

Thank you so much for helping me see this truth.

Grace Thank you for being authentic enough to share with me.

 

Grace: Bonnie, how was your counseling session with April?

Bonnie: Intense, really intense. I feel like I have touched a very deep place inside me.

Grace: So you were really affected by the experience?

Bonnie: Yes! I just kind of let go of my reserve and took a giant leap not knowing where I would land. It was not that it was different territory than I have explored before, but it was different in that there was someone going with me this time.

Grace: It sounds like having someone to share such a significant experience with you meant a lot, and being able to share it was especially important.

Bonnie: Well, usually letting go of my emotions is something that I am very guarded about. It like not being in control, or not being perfect or something.

Grace: It seems to me that you found the experience of being authentic, and in the moment with a very real concern felt really good.

Bonnie: You know it felt really strange sitting there talking to April about some issues regarding my children when she is about their age. She seemed to understand and relate, and at the same time it felt strange it also felt o’k, really.

Grace: So you had some mixed feelings about the experience of talking to April, since she reminded you of your daughters.

Bonnie: Yes, maybe so. It just seemed a bit of a role reversal. Although those feelings were not foremost. Mostly I was aware that April was listening the 105%. That allowed me to go more deeply into the feelings. Afterward, I felt really drained, but in kind of a good way.

Grace: So it sounds like you got in touch with some strong feelings and that it was very meaningful to you.

Bonnie: It makes me feel that I can be "normal" like other people and not always have to be strong and in complete control. I wasn’t sure it was possible. I might be able to let go again sometime!